Vows that are Made, and those that are Broken
by FooZater
Summary: Someone is engaged and someone is married.
1. Chapter 1

Kathryn Janeway took a shuddering breath as she pushed open the door and entered the room. Before it was halfway open, she was already asking herself what the hell had she been thinking when she decided to come here.

_You weren't thinking..._

"Captain!" Tom yelped as he turned and she seemed to appear out of nowhere. Her eyes, for all the people and all the noise in the room she had just entered, shot to his straight away. She smiled nervously.

Tom cleared his throat as he tried his best to chase away the surprise of seeing her here. He smiled nervously himself as his eyes focused on everyone he could see all at the same time. He needed to know how many had spotted her.

"Nice to see you, Tom." Her voice was uncharacteristically shy, almost absurdly. He blinked at it. He still hadn't shaken away the shock and his reactions were jumbled and slow.

He thought about extending his hand and then thought twice. It was too formal, too cold a gesture between them. But he couldn't hug her either. That was just a little too informal and it would receive all the attention he'd just as soon avoid for her right now.

After a moments hesitation his arm shot through the air and hovered around her shoulder as he ushered her to come with him.

"Come, join the party. I'm sure everyone will be pleased to see you." He held back the drawling voice he would normally use for it could be too easily perceived as callous and spiteful in this situation.

As he led her up to the bar, people began to notice who was with him. Seemingly anticipating their stares, drooping faces and pitying whispers, his Captain hung her head low not wanting to see them.

As they reached the bar and making sure she wasn't paying attention to him, he turned to the whole room and pulled a firmly disapproving glare at them. Some continued to stare through furtive glances but most rebuked themselves and busied themselves in the hushed bustle of before.

Tom wiggled them both in between two bar stools, tactfully elbowing Harry in the process. Harry turned to Tom to protest until his gaze filtered past him. His eyes widened and without looking back to Tom he nodded and hopped off the seat, pulling Megan Delaney with him. She tumbled off her stool gracelessly and was not so tactful in concealing her yelp of protest. Harry glared at her wordlessly and gestured beyond his shoulder. As she steadied herself and fixed her clothing her mouth made a soft 'oh' shape. Within seconds Harry had her bundled off.

Tom sighed mentally with relief, with the knowledge that Captain Janeway hadn't noticed this. The barman had kept her busy as she decided on her drink. Tom watched as she lifted the glass of something and turned. He had a smile waiting for her and she smiled in return as she took a sip of the alcohol. He gestured to the ready-made empty seats and he took one while she took the other.

Tom opened his mouth to speak when a head popped in between him and his Captain.

"Captain!" B'Elanna greeted her happily. Kathryn turned her head slightly to meet the eyes of her Chief Engineer.

"Evening B'Elanna." She replied still smiling.

"Glad you could make it." Tom didn't know if that was such a tactful conversation opening. He noticed Kathryn's eyes go dull for a split second and he knew it wasn't tactful indeed. He watched as she inwardly scowled the slip of control and forced a smile that distracted from the dim eyes.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, B'Elanna." She didn't sound as convincing as her words. Her eyes dropped from B'Elanna's and trailed back to her drink and she stared quietly into it.

"He is my best friend." She added without moving her gaze.

_Or, at least he used to be..._

B'Elanna couldn't help the concerned glance she shot to Tom. There was a moment of tense silence before Kathryn sighed deeply, lifted her head and presented the biggest, grandest and most certainly fakest smile they had ever seen from her.

"So where is the man of the hour?" She chirped. They almost grimaced at her unnerving tone too close to that of her smile. The Captain, was putting on a show.

B'Elanna sucked in a breath and prepared to answer the question when someone bounded at her shoulder. The three turned to see a young woman thrust her head in. She was gasping for air and obviously having a good time. She was giggling incessantly.

B'Elanna nearly choked on the breath she had taken while Tom groaned inwardly and rubbed his forehead. Kathryn stared at her curiously, squinting her eyes as if she could place the woman with the action. But she didn't know her, she knew most of the faces in the room but not all of them so it wasn't surprising to her. Chakotay would've met a lot of people in the time over his leave, people that she wouldn't have heard of at all.

Giving up on the squinting she simply examined the young woman as she fought to breathe, silence her giggling and speak all at once. Needless to say it was proving difficult, and it only seemed to make her giggle even more, which in turn made her even more breathless as she bent her body, wanting oxygen.

The first thing she noticed was her beauty. She was uncommonly beautiful at that. Her golden-brown hair flowed endlessly down her back and Kathryn found herself craning her neck to see where it ended. She was slim, but not too slim. She had curves where there was supposed to be curves. Kathryn raised her eyebrow at that. She most definitely had curves.

As her gasping slowed somewhat her head whipped up again, her smile was next under Kathryn's scrutiny. It was charming, and she had the lips to frame it too. Full and subtly shaped. Beneath thick, curly eyelashes shone two amazingly ebony eyes. They were glistening with joy, health, vibrancy and youth.

Kathryn quietly marveled at her beauty, and shook herself out of her daze as she heard the labored attempts the woman made to speak.

"Where.. Did you see see him?" She gasped for air. They all looked on puzzled.

"He was chas- chasing me in in the garden." She giggled again.

"I lost him. Go.. got away. Have you seen him?" B'Elanna's face softened a little as she remembered the antics she had stumbled on not ten minutes ago.

"No he didn't come in here." B'Elanna told her with an uneasy grin. The young woman's body heaved in a sigh as she smiled.

"Good." She took a deep breath as she moved for the now empty stool beside Kathryn. Tom and B'Elanna watched with a degree of horror.

"I'm safe here then." She hopped up on the seat as Kathryn swiveled on her stool to see her giggling again. The young took another breath that was interrupted by a half chuckle as she thought back fondly on the last fifteen minutes.

Finally, when she had calmed herself to a smile she noticed Kathryn sitting beside her. Her smile widened. When the smile was returned she extended her hand.

"A friend of Chakotay's I take it." She said. Kathryn smiled even more as she took the young woman's hand and gripped it firmly and nodded her answer.

"I swear I've seen so many new faces tonight, I'll never remember them all. I have this memory database of all the friends he talks about, especially those from Voyager and so many of them that I've met tonight, put faces to and I've forgotten the half already." She laughed again and Kathryn raised her eyebrows amused.

"So forgive me if I've met you already tonight. Because you do look so familiar..." Her smile was captivating and Kathryn couldn't help but smile warmly at her.

"No I'm afraid I haven't had that pleasure yet." Kathryn told her as she leaned one of her arms on the bar surface.

"I'm Kathryn. Kathryn Janeway." She introduced herself still wearing the smile. It faded slowly as the young woman's whole body froze, tension seeping from her. She stared emotionlessly at Kathryn.

Kathryn heard her name being called somewhere but she was unable to tear her eyes away from the young woman beside her. What had she said? It was only when she felt a hand on her arm did she turn her eyes.

"Shane, what are you doing here?" He smiled knowing that she would be annoyed that he had come, especially after she insisted that she was okay on her own.

"I got home early and decided that I needed a little partying." He winked at her but she seemed disinterested in any aspect of him at all as her eyes drifted back to the woman. He followed her gaze wondering what had her so captivated.

"Kathryn Janeway. You're... Kathryn Janeway?" The young woman spoke softly, her voice thick with disbelief. Kathryn nodded.

"Is there something wrong?" Kathryn asked gently. Her eyes flickered to her right, hoping that she could see behind her back, confirm that she was not only feeling Tom and B'Elanna's eye boring into her.

The man at her side, whom she called Shane, observed the group gathered around Kathryn. He then turned and scanned the whole room. He frowned. Was he the only one who had noticed the complete lull of silence that had just enveloped the room? Even Kathryn appeared oblivious to it as she asked the woman the question.

Suddenly after several charged moments the young woman shook her head as if she was purging something from mind.

"It's nice to put a face to the infamous name." She said and Kathryn frowned at her drab tone. She didn't sound particularly exhilarated about anything, the least of which putting a face to her name.

Soft, purposeful footsteps echoed through the room. Kathryn ignored them, didn't really even hear them. She was too busy trying to figure out the woman beside her.

"Kathryn." Her name rolled softly off sad lips. This time it didn't escape her attention. Her head whirled to confirm who she knew was the owner of the exasperated voice.

"Chakotay." Her voice was passive and betrayed nothing. She was too puzzled by this whole situation to care anyway. He stepped closer and she watched him intently. Her eyebrow arched when she noticed that he veered towards the woman and leaned towards her. Reality knocked on her door and she refused to let her jaw hang open.

"I see you've met Sarah." He spoke softly and smiled down to her. She didn't see his smile though; she was still too preoccupied with Kathryn. Kathryn looked up to him.

"Well we hadn't quite gotten to the 'Sarah' bit yet, but I suppose I have now." She told him. As she looked back down to who she now knew as Sarah, she noticed she was now staring coldly at her.

She noted that Chakotay had spotted this also and when he looked back to her she wondered what the apology in his eyes was for.

"Where are my manners? I haven't even congratulated you yet!" She bellowed with a spring in her seat. She hopped off her stool, purposely ignoring Sarah's eyes following her every move.

"Congratulations, Chakotay." She threw her arms around him and he awkwardly returned the embrace. Pulling away from him she turned and smiled at Sarah. She thrust her hand out again and when she reluctantly took it she hauled Sarah towards her and patted her back.

"Congratulations to you both." She pulled back again and watched as Sarah forced a smile.

"I'm very happy for you both. I'm just sorry I missed the wedding." She tilted her head and watched for their reactions. Sarah seemed to gain strength from the words while Chakotay's head threatened to drop.

She knew he was afraid that she would question him in front of nearly everyone he knew as to why she, his Captain and best friend hadn't been told of the wedding. Hell she hadn't even been privy to the relationship.

Slowly Kathryn became aware that the normal bustle of the room had begun again. She looked to Tom knowing fine well what he had done.

"Chakotay. Sarah. If I could steal you both for a moment." A middle aged man that Kathryn didn't know came to a stop behind the newly weds and they both turned to him before granting his request.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn could hear Tom and B'Elanna finally let out the breath they had been holding behind her. She sighed and hopped up on her seat again. Once on it, she met Shane's eyes staring at her. She'd forgotten about him.

"I thought you weren't coming." She said to him as she turned her back. He gazed annoyed at her back as he moved to take the seat the Sarah woman had vacated.

"Like I said, I got home early and then I got to thinking that you might need some help batting off all the young drunken men." He shrugged as she sipped her drink and then set her eyes on him.

"So they have to be drunk before they start pestering me now?" Shane sighed at her tone. Behind them, Tom and B'Elanna shared curious glances between them.

"You know I didn't mean it like that." He assured her firmly. He noticed as her eyes lifted and lingered over the path that Chakotay and his new wife had just disappeared through. His anger rose a little.

"You know what Kathryn? I'm sorry I came." He spat his words angrily at her as he pushed himself from the stool. Her eyes darted to him and she hastily placed her drink on the bar.

"Shane!" She called after him but he plodded on. She groaned as her fingers slipped from the glass and she made her way to follow him.

He burst through the doors and outside. She hurried after him, running through the doors herself. Stepping outside she quickly scanned the area and spotted him stalking off to her left. She took off in his direction with modest speed until she caught him.

"Don't " She gulped for air.

"Don't leave. I'm sorry." She pulled at his shoulder with her hand and he spun around himself to meet her eyes with angry ones of his own.

"I'm sick of hearing that Kathryn! I'm bloody sick of anything to do with your damn ship and your bloody precious crew. I'm tired of the cold shoulder when it comes to them, and I'm tired of these hollow apologies when I threaten to walk away. I'm tired of giving in to you." He gulped for air himself now. She didn't retaliate, just stood silently.

"I came here tonight because I thought you'd need help fending off that woman in there. I'm glad to see you could handle it on your own. Jesus Kathryn, what are you even doing here? You should be out celebrating yourself tonight. Hell, so should I!" He bowed his head, attempting to control his anger.

"It doesn't matter how hard I try, everything comes back to them, back to Voyager. It's a ship Kathryn. They are your crew. I know you have a special bond with them and I don't care to take that away from you, but you have to learn to separate it from your life now. You've been home two years Kathryn. Two years! Voyager is no longer your home; it's just the place you work. Can't you see that?" His voice was desperate and she could hear the tightness in his throat smother his words even as her own tears glistened. He shook his head as she swallowed.

"I gave in to this tonight. I let you go because I thought you needed to come. I thought you needed to exercise some demons before tomorrow, but the simple fact of the matter is you don't want those demons exercised do you?" He sank into the hard wall behind him and closed his eyes tightly.

"Why won't you tell me Kathryn? Why?" He spoke in a tortured tone that speared her heart. Kathryn faintly heard the doors she had come out of open again. She was sure that the two figures that were casting the long shadows on the grass were her two tactful companions from the bar.

Not caring about them, she brought her attention back to Shane. Her eyes lingered over him as he slowly opened his eyes. Her head bowed as she looked down to her hands.

"Do you want it back?" She asked in a sad whisper. He frowned for a fraction of a second as he found what she was talking about. He watched her fingers fiddling with something.

"Do you want to give it back?" He asked. Her eyes darted up and she swallowed hard again. This time the wetness in her eyes tumbled down her face. He closed his eyes as he saw it. He tipped his head back.

"Damn it, Kathryn." He sighed as he reached for her. She clung to him tightly, throwing her arms around him; she dug her face into his neck and bit back her tears. Seconds later he pulled away from her and cupped her face in his hands. She smiled at him and he couldn't help but smile back.

Pulling her face closer her captured her lips and she melted into his grasp. He broke their kiss and rested his forehead on hers.

"I love you Kathryn, and I can deal with the fact that you have responsibilities to your ship. I can deal with lending the Captain to Voyager but I'll never settle for surrendering Kathryn to her as well." He broke contact with her completely and stood back, gazing at her.

"Go back to your party and think about that. I'll still be here in the morning, but only until then. For once, forget about Voyager, forget about your crew, Starfleet, forget about me and make the decision for you. Follow your heart Kathryn, not your head nor your pride." With that he walked away until the darkness of the night swallowed him and she could no longer see him.

Kathryn stood gazing after him long after he could no longer be seen. She was vaguely aware of timid footsteps that were getting nearer and louder behind her. She jumped when she felt a small hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" B'Elanna couldn't bring herself to speak louder than a mere whisper. Her Captain turned her head and looked at her with watery eyes. She blinked away the film of water and took a deep breath.

"Fine." She answered. B'Elanna nodded at her.

"You coming back in?" She asked as Kathryn turned around fully towards her. She looked undecided. Her eyes dropped to the ground as she made her decision.

When she looked back up there was a faint smile on her lips.

"Why not?" B'Elanna grinned at her and they both walked back together.


	3. Chapter 3

"He seems nice." B'Elanna spoke as they entered the party once again. Kathryn looked at her confused then she realised what or who she was talking about. She smiled and blushed.

"You should see him when he's not angry." She smirked and B'Elanna let out a bubble of laughter.

"Who's angry?" Both their heads swung to their right to see Chakotay smiling widely at them. B'Elanna felt the tension already and her eyes set firmly on Chakotay wondering what he was up to. Kathryn fought to keep her gaze passive and her smile not as strained as it felt.

"Nobody now." B'Elanna answered knowing Kathryn didn't want to. Chakotay threw his eyebrows up in a shrug. They all walked over to the nearest table and B'Elanna searched the room for Tom frantically as they sat down.

"Where did Sarah go to?" B'Elanna asked, making conversation and getting vital information at the same time.

"I think she's off on her own with all her girlfriends. You know. A private little party in one of the hotel rooms with scandal, gossip, alcohol and other things I don't care to even care to hypothesize about." B'Elanna didn't intend for the sigh of relief to be heard but no one seemed to mind it as if they all felt the same.

B'Elanna spotted Tom wiggling through the crowd in her direction and she made sure she concealed the sigh of relief this time.

"Hey guys." He chirped as he threw himself into a chair. No one really acknowledged him much and he stared with wide eyes at the three of them.

"Lively bunch aren't you?" He asked sarcastically. Chakotay chuckled at him, while Kathryn managed nothing more than a small smile and B'Elanna sent her best glare his way. He turned to B'Elanna.

"Care to dance, Madame?" He asked, extending a hand to B'Elanna. She smiled mischievously at him and took it. Chakotay and Kathryn watched them go.

"You know, at one stage I would've bet that they wouldn't last a week together." Kathryn turned to Chakotay and smiled at his confession. She turned back to look at Tom and B'Elanna dancing closely. She sighed contentedly.

"And look at them now. Married and as deeply in love as they ever were." She said distantly. Chakotay nodded silently.

"It's easy to envy them." His whispered words were so soft when Kathryn turned she still wasn't sure she had heard them. Then as he noticed her eyes on him, he blushed.

"Don't worry, Chakotay, I'm sure you'll still love her as much in a few years." She smiled gently referring to Sarah. Chakotay blushed even redder and bowed his head nodding.

They went silent again as they watched the couples slowly dancing before them. Kathryn's eyes fell to the floor as she thought back on the incident at the bar. She cleared her throat and lifted her head.

"She doesn't like me very much does she?" When she had asked her question she finally turned to him. He looked blankly at her, not knowing how to answer.

"Don't be silly, Kathryn." He said. She grinned in disbelief at him.

"It doesn't take a telepath to decipher the thoughts she was having when she found out who I was." She was still grinning as she tipped her head. He winced slightly.

"Okay, so she's weary of you." She chuckled at him and he frowned angrily at her.

"She's heard the rumours Kathryn and anyone from the crew that she's met didn't do anything to help those rumours nor the notion they supported." He told her and her face sobered, a little. She still, however, had the playful look in her eyes.

"So she thinks I'm the 'other woman' " She grinned as she paused. "The ex." She added. He rolled his eyes annoyed at her flippant manner, then stared at her firmly.

"Yes, Kathryn, that's one way of putting it." The soft anger in his voice wasn't undetected.

"I've told her a thousand times there was nothing but friendship between us..." He trailed off not wanting to admit that she never really believed him.

"She doesn't believe you does she?" He grimaced, Kathryn Janeway knew him far too well. Regardless of the lost year or so between them, she knew him as well as she always had.

"No, Kathryn, she doesn't." He sighed. Kathryn felt for him. That wasn't something one wanted straining a marriage.

"Would it help if I talked to her?" His eyes darted to hers.

"Spirits Kathryn, I wouldn't do that!" He exclaimed and she frowned, then arched her left eyebrow.

"Does she love me that much?" She smirked softly and he smiled realising how he just sounded.

"I don't know. I really don't know how she'd react to you if left to her own devices. I do surmise she wouldn't be very friendly and I don't want you to go through that." Kathryn's face softened at his concern.

"I can hold my own you know. It's really her you should be worried about." They both smiled warmly.

"Kathryn?" A familiar voice spoke her name softly behind her. She turned in her chair to see Shane standing there and she frowned at him. He noted her frown and smiled.

"They're having some problems at the transporter bay. I'm going nowhere for a while." He told her and she nodded, motioning for him to sit. Chakotay regarded him curiously. He remembered him from earlier at the bar, but aside from that he had no idea who he was.

Kathryn turned into the table uneasily as he took a seat beside her. She flashed a nervous smile to Chakotay.

"Chakotay, this is Shane Aitken. Shane. Chakotay." She introduced them and they shook each other's hands as Chakotay searched his memory wondering where he had heard that name before. His eyes flew wide open.

"Shane Aitken. Dr. Shane Aitken?" He asked with a smile of awe. Shane nodded. Chakotay inclined his head impressed.

"One of Starfleet's top Science researchers, probably the best scientist Starfleet has ever seen." Shane blushed a little at the praise.

"You sure know how to pick your friends, Kathryn." He chuckled and Kathryn felt the tension seeping between herself and Shane. He was waiting for her to elaborate. She didn't want to, but she knew it was now or never.

Her eye caught Tom coming over, B'Elanna and Sarah in tail. She bit back the frown that wanted to appear.

"Mind if we join you?" Tom asked while Sarah gave Kathryn an icy stare before draping her arms around Chakotay's neck. He accepted it awkwardly as she pulled a seat beside him. B'Elanna and Tom sat down also.

"Kathryn was just introducing me to her friend here. Did you know he's Shane Aitken? Dr. Shane Aitken." He told them and they all looked surprised glancing at the man, knowing who Shane Aitken was. B'Elanna however wasn't much interested in the naming part of Chakotay's statement; she looked over to Kathryn who was visibly squirming.

Kathryn sighed mentally, she could feel Shane's disprove heavily. She had to tell them, she simply had to.

"Ah, actually Shane is a little more than a friend." That got their attention, undivided. She smiled nervously as she clasped her hands on the table.

"He's my fiance." Silence enveloped the small group and no one even dared move. Shane smiled, finally relieved that Kathryn had told her friends. He took her hand in his and all eyes followed to Kathryn's hand, where they found plain as day, an engagement ring.

"You-you're getting married?" Tom muttered rather obviously. Kathryn looked to him and forced a tense smile.

"Tomorrow." She couldn't help but notice Tom's mouth hang open. She tried her best not to wince.

"Tomorrow?" It was Chakotay's feeble voice and she almost closed her eyes at this tone. She didn't have the strength to answer.

"Yes. We've had it planned for some time and now that Kathryn has some time off, it's the perfect time." Shane told them with a hint of pride for his wife to be.

Perfect was not how any at the table - save perhaps Shane - considered the timing regarding their wedding date.

There was a silence again and Sarah was the first to make a move.

"Congratulations, to both of you." She smiled widely and Kathryn nodded while Shane thanked her. Following her example the others shook themselves and congratulated them also.


	4. Chapter 4

Loud jazz music caught everyone's attention and they turned to see Harry playing with a band at the top of the room.

"If you don't mind Kathryn, could I still your fiance for a dance?" Kathryn's eyebrows shot up in surprise as she set her eyes on Sarah. She nodded absently.

"Go right ahead." She said with a soft smile. Shane pushed himself out of his chair after Sarah. He bent down to Kathryn and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

"I'll be back in a minute, beautiful." He whispered futilely as everyone heard him anyway.

Tom shot a glance to B'Elanna and she nodded. They got up to dance, leaving an unearthly quiet Chakotay and an uneasy Kathryn alone. Kathryn watched him stare at the table silently for some time. Suddenly his head shot up and she knew the smile he wore was faked.

"Where are my manners? Would you care to dance?" He asked as she stood from his chair and threw his hand at her.

"We can keep an eye on those two at the same time." He gestured to Shane and Sarah as he winked. She smiled back at him as she took it and he pulled her from her seat to the dance floor.

"You never said anything." He whispered into her ear as he pulled her close and they swayed to the now softer music.

"Neither did you." She countered. He sighed into her hair.

"Maybe if you had told me where you were now and then I just might have." There was just the slightest hint of bitterness in her voice.

"I was on leave Kathryn." She almost snorted.

"Leave is a few months Chakotay. You asked for six, which was granted, that slowly turned into a year and then a year and another six months." Her voice was gently mocking.

"I'm coming back to Voyager after the honeymoon." He pulled his head out from hers a little so he could see her better.

"I needed the time away." He explained, she turned her head away from him.

"Away from me." She said sadly. He gripped her tighter.

"You know that's not-" She had turned hard eyes on him and his protest withered into nothing. His eyes dropped sadly and so did hers. The replaced their heads on each other again.

"Let's just not fight about it anymore." She said exasperated.

"Let's not fight about anything." He added and she chuckled softly into his neck.

"What?" He asked smiling.

"You *are* coming back to work right?" He nodded still confused. She grinned and he caught on. He chuckled himself.

"Okay, let's say that the Captain and Commander can fight, but me and you can't. How's that?" She nodded her approval as she laughed.

"Speaking of Captains and Commanders Chakotay. You do know that once you finally spend a little time actually serving on Voyager, Starfleet will soon be considering you for a Captaincy of your own?" His eyes darkened a little.

"I guess I'd forgotten about that. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." They both smiled.

"No pun intended." He added and she laughed into his shoulder and they continued dancing.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry this next part has taken so long - life and work got in the way! Thanks for all the nice reviews :)

* * *

The party was creeping into the early hours of the morning and most guests had wandered off to some corner of the hotel, with a small group still remaining in the actual party area.

Chakotay lifted his drink and took a sip as he sat quietly on his own observing the people in the room enjoying themselves. His attention drifted to Tom and Tuvok conversing rather closely and throwing subtle glances his way. He kept his gaze on them, wondering what they were up to or rather, what Tom was up to.

It was Tuvok that finally came his way. _This should be fun,_ he thought.

"Commander." Tuvok greeted him as he stood above Chakotay.

"Lose the title, Tuvok. I'm Chakotay down here." He swung his hand and offered Tuvok a seat.

"Very well." Tuvok replied, uneasy with Chakotay's request.

"What can I help you with, Tuvok?" Chakotay asked as he settled himself facing Tuvok. He watched Tuvok take a steady breath and found himself worried.

"I was talking to Mr. Paris just now." Chakotay nodded as Tuvok paused, still uneasy. "He informed me of he events which occurred earlier." Chakotay frowned. Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

"Concerning the Captain." Tuvok watched as Chakotay realised what he was referring to.

"And?" Chakotay didn't like where the conversation was going.

"And these events and my close inspection of both your behaviourisms tonight raised a delicate issue between Mr. Paris and myself, with some startling information to add on both parts." Chakotay felt like shaking the point out of Tuvok.

"Dare I say again: and?" His sarcasm was futile as Tuvok simply chose to ignore it. Tuvok shifted in his seat. Chakotay didn't like this at all. Tuvok made to reply when someone fell against their table, giggling their apologies of their drunkenness. Tuvok raised his eyebrow at them.

"Perhaps we could find somewhere more private?" He enquired and Chakotay nodded wearily as he got up and led Tuvok away.

They entered a room and Tuvok walked in as Chakotay closed the doors behind them.

"Right, out with it, Tuvok." He said impatiently as he strode over to him.

"Mr. Paris told me of the conversation you had with him last week." Chakotay froze. Tuvok needn't elaborate any further. He had only one conversation with Tom Paris last week that could possibly raise concerns. He had been rather drunk then. Now he wanted to kill Tom Paris.

"He had no right to tell you about that. He had no right to tell anyone! I confided in him!" Chakotay was nearly shouting with anger as he sunk onto the bed with a sigh. Tuvok turned on his heel, unmoved by Chakotay's state.

"I would agree, however, a conversation I had only yesterday changes my opinion." Chakotay's head snapped up.

"A conversation with who?" He asked curious. Tuvok shifted his weight to his right leg.

"Captain Janeway." Chakotay's heart skipped a beat at the sound of her name. His eyes got lost in thought.

"Kathryn." He whispered to himself as if confirming.

"Yes." Tuvok said. Chakotay awoke from his reverie and looked up to Tuvok.

"What was it about?" He asked. Tuvok walked towards him.

"I had been informed at the beginning of the week of your pending wedding." Tuvok looked like he was having difficulty with something. He stood silently for a few moments before sitting beside Chakotay.

"I debated whether it would be logical to tell the Captain that you would be getting married in a few days. Most knew already on Voyager and I had suspected she might find out, only to find she had no idea. Then it became more than obvious that she had been deliberately not told." He paused and Chakotay winced, wishing he had just told her himself.

"I soon became aware of the reason and came to the conclusion that kept the others from telling her." Chakotay looked at him.

"That she would not take it well." Chakotay's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise at the Vulcan. He cared more about his Captain than he liked to let on.

"I was faced with the logic of simply telling her the truth or the logic of protecting her from it." Chakotay wondered how many more surprises were to come from the Vulcan before him tonight.

"In the end, being as shrewd as she is, the Captain noticed something was wrong. She asked me and I told her. I didn't think it would be logical to lie." He paused again.

"If she hadn't asked?" Chakotay interrupted.

"I cannot say for sure but suffice it to say she would have found out eventually." He took a breath.

"Voyager was already in for maintenance and the crew on shore leave. I was by for a visit yesterday morning. She found out mere hours before you were to be wed." Chakotay wondered how she would've taken the news. Would she have pulled up her mask and brushed it off or would she have showed the hurt that he didn't tell her? Dared he imagine she might have been jealous? He flinched after the thought as along with it skipped a sense of... of what? He wasn't sure - accomplishment? Surely that had not been his goal. He had been angry at her, perhaps wanted to hurt her - but he had never thought that...

Tuvok was talking again and he was suddenly rapt for the answer.

"She was unsettled by the information. She was angry. She addressed you with more colourful adjectives and nouns than I have possibly ever heard directed towards one individual." Chakotay wasn't able to suppress the image that invaded his mind, nor the dialect flowing from Kathryn's lips, nor the chuckle that followed.

"After she had exhausted damning your name, she settled somewhat. She did not hide that you hurt her with an emotional depth I could not comprehend." Chakotay rubbed his hands over his face vigorously.

"Perhaps it was this emotional state she was in, or perhaps it was the finality of the situation but she felt the need to reveal some things, things that she strove for years to conceal, and she told me of them at length." Chakotay looked on, interested and curious.

"What she revealed in our talk not unlike that of the one you shared with Mr. Paris that night." Chakotay winced at the reminder again.

"I did not know that you still had feelings for her." Chakotay's grimace twisted.

"I had Tuvok, I'm over her. I'm married to Sarah now." He said firmly. Tuvok raised an eyebrow. Chakotay got up with urgency.

"Your recovery would seem quite remarkable. You 'got over her' in one week?" Tuvok didn't believe him for a second. Chakotay swirled around.

"Look, Tuvok. I've been living with it for years, ever since I met her. I was able to get on with my life then; able to go on, knowing had Protocol or the crew permitted it, it wasn't going to happen. I'm home and I'm married. Why do you come to me with this now? You never cared before: hell, you would've disapproved of a relationship between a command team on any Starship. Why this Tuvok - why now?" His words were quickened with anger and his tone harsh with irritation. Tuvok was as calm and as cool as ever. Chakotay's words had little effect on him. He arched his eyebrow as he faced Chakotay.

"Because she has told me of similar feelings for you." Chakotay's face went deadpan, his anger froze and he forgot to breath. He shook his head unwilling to accept what Tuvok had told him.

"You're wrong." He muttered incredulously.

"In fact I am perfectly right. She told me herself. She has been in love with you for years." Tuvok's indifferent tone caused Chakotay to choke on words that could not find their way out. He stood silently for a moment while he composed himself enough to function simply.

Looking at Tuvok's cold, emotionless eyes his own flared and he punched at the air.

"Damn you, Tuvok. Damn Tom. Damn Kathryn!" He shouted in rage. He paced about the room.

"Now more than ever I want to know WHY? Why the hell now? What could this possibly do but make me miserable, Tuvok? Or is that what you wanted?" He hissed as he whirled swiftly around to face Tuvok squarely in the eye.

"That is not what I intended to do." He answered. Chakotay narrowed his eyes at him.

"I'm married Tuvok. MARRIED! Does that mean anything to you?" Tuvok raised an eyebrow and prepared to speak. Chakotay halted him with a defiant hand in the air.

"The least you could've done was object at my wedding!" He shouted.

"I did not think at that time it would have made any difference and did not wish to cause the Captain any further trouble. Must I remind you also that I was still with her as you were being married?" Chakotay wanted so badly to hit him. "I only intended to help."

And Chakotay knew he was right. For his anger was not truly directed at Tuvok.

_What have I done_?

He swallowed at the bile rising in his throat and was already erecting mental barriers to thoughts and feelings forming in it's wake. Whatever he had just felt, he was willing it to retreat into deep, dark corners within him already, and he hoped he would never see - or feel it again.

Shame was like that.

It erupted unwelcome and unceremoniously, not giving a shit. It bled through his being and he ached with revulsion at what he had done. What he had done to himself, to Sarah. And what he had done to Kathryn. How could he have done this to her - to the woman he...

_Oh, Spirits!_

Both their heads flew to the door as they heard a knock. Chakotay glanced back to Tuvok.

"Chakotay? Are you in there?" It was Sarah. Chakotay walked across the room with shaking legs and opened the door.

"Hey handsome, I thought I'd lost you." She purred as she threw her arms around his neck and nuzzled him. He stood unresponsive.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she spied Tuvok and felt the tension in his body.

"Nothing, Sarah." Chakotay replied unsteadily. She stared at him, searching his eyes.

"There's something wrong." She stated. He grew impatient - this was all just too much. Pulling at her arms he freed himself roughly of her.

"I said there was nothing wrong." He said with a touch of anger rising. She narrowed her eyes, wounded by his treatment and his tone.

"Why won't you tell me?" She questioned harshly as she stepped past him into the room. Chakotay knew if he spoke his anger was going to spill and however angry and tense he was it wasn't Sarah's fault. So he remained silent, his eyes burning and only telling of a fire within him.

Sarah regarded him for a short while. Then looked to Tuvok.

"It's about her isn't it?" She spat. Chakotay closed his eyes for control.

"Sarah." He warned. She stalked over to him.

"You can't even deny it this time can you?" She seethed with hatred. Hatred for whom, Chakotay dared not speculate.

"I hate you! And I hate her." He need not speculate. She spun away from him, tears tripping her. He reached out for her.

"Sarah!" He called at her but she was gone. He growled with frustration as he stalked out too.


	6. Chapter 6

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked as he rushed into the lobby, hope permeating his voice. She shook her head sadly.

"She's disappeared Chakotay, no one has seen her." B'Elanna shrugged, lost for possibilities. Chakotay sighed deeply.

"Has anyone seen Shane?" Kathryn rushed into the lobby. Chakotay looked over at her and despite himself he laughed.

Kathryn frowned at him and looked to B'Elanna. She noticed how tired and exasperated she looked.

"Maybe they've run off together." B'Elanna mumbled under her breath. Kathryn rolled her eyes at B'Elanna.

"Just try and make my day a little brighter, B'Elanna." She tossed the remark with an unimpressed expression to B'Elanna. B'Elanna quickly chastised herself.

"I give up. If they come back. They come back. If not-" Kathryn snapped her head to Chakotay.

"Thank you for your input, Chakotay. However, I'm still betting on the fact that Shane is somewhere in the building. He's not one for running off, not that he has any reason to anyway." He didn't take her tone very well.

"I thank you for your input also, Kathryn, and pray tell, how do you know Sarah's still not in the building?" He looked at her expectantly; she tried to hide the threatening smirk.

"Oh maybe because she tried to deck me before I sent her sprawling across the floor. Then I believe she sent some charming remarks over her shoulder while she picked herself off the floor and fled out the door. Detailed enough or would you care for a demonstration?" Her voice grew bitter and he glared at her.

B'Elanna nearly whistled at the scene building before her, but she wisely kept her mouth shut and prayed for some, any, intervention before they really started.

"Tell me, Chakotay, why would your wife think that I might be sleeping with you? And, just let me add, she had a more graphic way of putting that." His eyes widened in horror. He grimaced and his shoulders sank, he was sick of the whole mess. He walked towards Kathryn.

"We have to talk." He took her arm and for once she didn't protest as he led her away.

* * *

Chakotay closed the door of the same room he and Tuvok had been in earlier. He turned to see Kathryn standing in the middle of the room, waiting for him to proceed. He frowned and started pacing in front of her.

"Tuvok told me." She frowned at him again and when he looked for her reaction and only saw confusion he began again. "He told me about yesterday. You, him, talking about me." As he continued fear began to grip her face.

"I had a similar conversation with Tom last week. He told Tuvok, Tuvok told him. Tuvok told me, I'm telling you and here we are." He said as he danced a hand between them. She swallowed as she tried to remove the fear from her face.

"Tuvok has a big mouth." She whispered absently, looking away from him as she sat on the bed behind her. Chakotay took a few tentative steps towards her.

"I told Tom that I still have feelings for you." Her eyes darted up to meet his and brightness flashed in them. For the first time she noticed how strained and exhausted he looked.

"And I do, Kathryn. I always have." He moved closer to her. She gazed up now with glazed eyes.

"I love you." He knelt down in front of her and her eyes followed him down as a lone tear spilled from one. Chakotay sighed at the floor and once he had summoned the courage he looked up again. He searched for her hand and took it in his.

"If I had thought that there was even a chance, one in a million, of you returning those feelings I would never have gotten married Kathryn. Never." He threw his head to the side, partly ashamed for his confession.

"I love Sarah but she will never fill the hollow in me that you do. And…" His words stumbled, falling into those dark corners from earlier. He closed his mouth, almost unable to bear what he was about to say. "I…" he began with such revulsion for himself that Kathryn's face instantly showed worry. "I think… once I realized I would never love her more than you I became angry. I was angry at you, for not coming to me, for not loving me. Angry at myself for not being able to change it. So, I tried to. " Kathryn blinked and looked away quickly, her face set hard - trying to control her emotions.

"I tried to prove myself wrong by marrying her. To show me… to show you that I could be happy without you."

While his words flowed like a tragic love song, he watched her hand slowly move in shock to her mouth where it hovered mere centimeters from her lips. Her fingers lingered there in the silence now, as if they would consummate the emotion by touching and in doing so promote an eruption they were not sure should come.

"My heart beats for you Kathryn." He looked to her again, watched her tears falling freely, silently. "Sometimes I think you are my heart." Her hand dropped suddenly and she pursed her lips to clasp down the sob that threatened release.

"Tell me you don't feel anything and I'll drop it. Completely." His voice was firm yet pleading. She gazed at him, her eyes wavering. She shut her eyes tightly and jumped off the bed and away from him.

"You're married, Chakotay." She said, looking out the window in a voice that was firm, yet knowing her so well, he heard a quiver in it. He stood and walked over to her.

"I'm getting married tomorrow. TOMORROW, Chakotay." She whirled around to face him as he approached her.

"What about Sarah? Shane? Regardless of her seething hatred for me, Chakotay, Sarah is a beautiful and young woman that loves you enough to hate me. Loves you enough to see this before we even did ourselves." Her hands waved in the air frantically as she tried to rationalise the situation frustratedly.

"And Shane. He's a kind, gentle and loving man, who I can't for the life of me understand why he loves me so unconditionally. No amount of men could say they would've stood by me and the way I've been this last year. But he has and at the end of it all he still gives me an out. The night before our wedding no less!" She threw her two hands upwards and turned abruptly from him again.

"You're right." He said decidedly, nodding. She spun around confused at his sudden submission. He looked at her straight in the eye.

"You're absolutely right. They are both wonderful people. Wonderful people who don't deserve to be married to someone who loves another." His words sent a wave of worry crashing over her and she felt tears welling again.

"Just tell me. Answer my question: Do you have feelings for me?" She gazed soundlessly, unmoving at his question.

"Yes or No. It's simple, Kathryn." He prompted her. She shook her head distantly and slowly focused her shining eyes somewhere that wasn't in the room. He closed in on her.

"If you say yes. I'll leave Sarah in a heartbeat." Her eyes flew to his and bore right through him.

"You can't do that." She said it as if it was an order. Her eyes, swelling with tears, now spilled down her pale cheeks. "She loves you." She told him hastily.

"Do you?" He questioned, all but ignoring what she had said.

A silence flowed around them and lulled them into its stillness as he awaited her answer. Finally she drew in a sharp breath.

"Yes." She answered with a solid assuring voice. A bright smile spread across his face and he let out a sigh of relief.

She still stood rigidly before him. He would soon take care of that. He advanced on her but she pulled away abruptly.

"But I can't do this. I can't do it to Shane and I can't do it to Sarah." She swallowed bitter tears back.

"You made a promise to her and I made a promise to Shane." His wounded eyes pleaded with her. The very sight of them weakened her more than she cared to admit. His fixed gaze was slowly wearing her resolve away; she felt the strength ebb out of her body.

Slowly she began to walk past him, making her way for the door. His eyes followed her and he turned in accordance to see her reach the door and open it.

"I made a promise to you once too." He whispered and she paused in the doorway. Her head turned to the side.

"That was a long time ago. Things have changed." She told him over her shoulder with a profound sadness lacing her words.

Slowly she stepped out and closed the door quietly behind her, not once looking back. Chakotay's eyes fell from the door as it closed.

"Not my love for you." He said to himself.

He stared at the spot she had just vacated feeling like she had torn a hole in his being and taken something with her and all he could do was gaze dizzily after her.

Then suddenly from behind him, "Her pride is daunting isn't it?"

Chakotay's sullen head whipped up and away from the door Kathryn had gone out of and found Shane standing behind him...


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the cliffhanger :) here's the rest...

* * *

Then suddenly from behind him. "Her pride is daunting isn't it?"

Chakotay's sullen head whipped up and away from the door Kathryn had gone out of and found Shane behind him.

"Her loyalty unnerving." Chakotay felt a sickness squirm in his stomach as Shane stepped from the doors of the balcony and smiled.

"I've been aware of it for far too long. I suppose I owe my relationship with her to it." He walked inside calmly. Chakotay watched him smile again as his stomach lurched. He looked Chakotay in the eyes.

"Anyone that didn't know of it would never stand a week with her." His lips quirked up in a smile.

"But you already know that don't you? I dare say you know a great deal more about her than I." He paced over and set himself in one of the luxurious hotel seats. He ran his hand over its arm, appreciating its smoothness. Chakotay's panicked eyes followed him intently. Shane looked up to him and let out a sudden chuckle.

"Don't look so worried. I know what you thinking and you're right. I did hear you, I heard everything. Whether it's a good thing or not I haven't decided yet." He smiled again and Chakotay couldn't help but find the gesture creepy in the situation.

"You may know her better than I, but until tonight there was something I knew that you didn't." Chakotay frowned at him.

"I knew she felt something more than friendship for you." Chakotay winced. Shane looked away from him and patted the arm of the chair with his hand.

"I guess I thought tonight would be safe enough in that respect, even after I saw how much the news Tuvok brought tore her up." His eyes found Chakotay again and they were cold. Chakotay shivered unconsciously. "Au contraire, says you - it proved more dangerous than anyone had anticipated." He slapped the arms as he pushed himself from the seat.

"You still love her." He said matter of factly. "You find she loves you." He folded his arms and Chakotay sighed. "You say you love Sarah, whom, may I remind you, that you are married to. Kathryn denounces your vow to leave Sarah for her to go back to me." He exhaled heavily and regarded Chakotay quietly for several seconds. "Now there's an eventful night if ever I heard one. But how will it end?" He quirked his eyebrow and theories of insanity passed through Chakotay's mind momentarily.

"You're rather quiet, Chakotay. No matter, I have heard your opinions I have no need of any further confusion." He waved his hand dismissively in the air between them. "You must be wondering how I feel right now. Well I love her for one. About as much as one can love a woman like Kathryn. Your little heart to heart with her does not change that, nor her admission of her love for you. That I already knew of. Her loyalty to our engagement is touching, I honestly didn't believe she would come out with that." He looked genuinely pleased by that thought as he paced in front of Chakotay while speaking.

"I can imagine how you feel." He stopped and smiled. "Then again, perhaps not. But I do know the feeling of losing Kathryn. It feels like like a whole part of you has been physically ripped away. Taking half your heart with it." Chakotay's eyes dropped to the floor.

"You should feel honoured that she loves you the way she does. I have strove to get the same love from her - and to her credit - she has tried to give it, but never succeeded." He paused and folded his arms again.

"I can't blame either of you for loving each other, but I can blame both of you for this mess." He took a step forward and Chakotay watched him closely.

"I love her but I won't settle for half of her. I told her that tonight, regardless of whether she heeded it or not it still stands. She wouldn't dream of telling me of all this so I'm thankful I overhead it." He walked right up to Chakotay.

"Maybe you should regret the fact that Sarah didn't." He walked on past Chakotay and reached for the door, much as Kathryn had not so long ago.

"I'm sorry." The sound of Chakotay's voice sounded alien even to himself as he finally spoke. Shane didn't turn in anyway.

"I know." He walked on out and the door closed of its own accord.

"Will you do something for me?" Kathryn whirled around from her drink at the bar to see Sarah standing before her. Against her rational thoughts she nodded. A relief seemed to radiate from Sarah's body.

"I want access to his logs from Voyager." She said and Kathryn raised an eyebrow.

"I know it's not exactly official or anything, but I am his wife and it just might save our marriage. You are the only one who can get the logs without any illegal activities." Kathryn was uneasy with the request.

"You say there is nothing between you, he has said the same. Even if I believed you I still need this. Will you do it for me?" She didn't hold back the pleading tone of her voice.

"When do you want them?" Kathryn asked and Sarah sighed with relief, tension seeping from her body.

"Now."

"Now?" Kathryn yelped. She nodded in response. Kathryn gulped. Firstly this wasn't right, she had no business giving anyone access to Chakotay's personal logs, his wife or not. He might never forgive her for it.

She stared at Sarah for a moment, deciding what she would do. Perhaps it would save their marriage, for it didn't look too hot at the minute and… she was the cause of its sudden demise. If there was a chance, she had to do it.

"Get me a computer." Sarah reacted instantly and went in seek of one. Once she found one and they were sequestered in a private room, Kathryn did a little hacking and accessed Voyagers computer. It was a weak link but her command codes would get her what she wanted. The maintenance being performed would mean no one would be alerted as to what she was doing.

"It will take you forever to read them all." She warned as Sarah became slowly engrossed in the writing on the screen.

"Don't worry, I plan on narrowing down my reading subject." Kathryn raised her eyebrow but didn't question any further. Quietly she left the room throwing a concerned glance over her shoulder.

Sarah pulled her eyes from the screen as she heard Kathryn leave.

"Computer, locate all logs that contain a personal reference to Kathryn Janeway." She swallowed with apprehension as the computer beeped in response and the number of logs decreased somewhat.

"One thousand and twenty one logs found." The computer replied. Sarah sighed.

"Display." She ordered in a tired voice.

She leaned back in the seat and stared at the screen. Her eyes drifted to the door. It was closed and she was alone. An idea flitted through her mind. Her eyes shifted as she weighed her conscious with a need to know. The need to read the logs was overwhelming. She had Chakotay's but she wanted more.

"Computer " She paused as the computer awaited her command. A small smile appeared on her face.

"Access the personal logs of Kathryn Janeway."

"Access denied. Security code needed." She smiled wider.

"Janeway alpha three, pie eleven." The computer beeped in response and the requested logs flickered on her screen.

She bent forward and began to read.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I swear it's almost finished :) and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

"I've been looking for you." Shane said as Kathryn rounded the corner towards him. She looked up to him with a guilt in her eyes that she had no idea he knew of.

"I've been helping out a friend." She replied as she joined him, walking by his side.

"Was that before or after you told Chakotay you love him?" His words left her trailing behind his stride, frozen to the spot. He rolled his eyes. "Don't get all clammed up on me now, Kathryn." He walked back to her and grasped her gently by the arms as he forced her to walk with him.

"First, I want you to know I'm not angry. I've known for quite some time how you feel about him. Second, I want you to know that we can't get married." She stopped again but he held his grasp on her and she didn't get too far away from him.

"I still intend to marry you." She tried to assure him in a shaking voice. He smiled.

"So I heard." He pulled her along again.

"Unfortunately after hearing your talk with Chakotay, and having one with him myself, I don't intend on marrying you." She thrust her arm away from his hand and refused to be hauled along anymore.

"I do love you, Shane." She argued.

"You love him more." He countered and she faltered with a comeback. He smiled faintly.

"See."

She breathed deeply through her nose and frowned at him in anger. He shook his head exasperated.

"I told you earlier, Kathryn… I told you to follow your heart. And for a while up there, although it pained me to see it, I actually thought I had gotten through to you. But in the end you went the way of your pride, your loyalty. The honorary Captain that will do no wrong. Even at the cost of her own happiness." Kathryn glared at him with steel in her eyes and tried to quell the overwhelming urge she had to hit him in the wake of his the harsh words. But she wouldn't - couldn't - because she knew he was right. He had always been right.

"I may be a scientist, Kathryn, devoted to fact and proof, but even I know that the heart is more than a vital organ that pumps life into our bodies. Sometimes I think that you haven't quite grasped that concept. Then ... then there are times times when your tenderness is so astounding, so amazing, that I chase those thoughts away. But they come back to me and I still can't figure it out. I still can't figure _you_ out." Her face was soft with sadness now, her features sullen and her anger deflated.

"He has you figured out, Kathryn, more than even you want to admit." He strode up to her and planted a soft kiss on her lips. "I will miss you." He whispered as his fingers trailed along her shoulders. Once again he began to walk away while she simply watched.

"I'll call you sometime. Maybe we could go for a coffee." He called as he turned with a grin and walking backwards. Her smile grew until she let a small laugh escape and shook her head at him.

"I'll miss you too." She said, her smile echoed sadly in her voice.

* * *

"How's the bride to be?" Neelix poked his head around and into Kathryn's line of vision as she sat back at the bar enjoying set another drink to soothe her raging emotions. She chuckled lightly at his exuberance and swiveled on the bar stool slightly so she could see him clamber up on the one opposite her.

"I didn't know you were here, Neelix." She said with a warm smile for the lovable Talaxian.

"Oh I was otherwise engaged up until a few hours ago." He blushed orange and she couldn't help but wonder what had engaged him. She decided it best not to ask for now.

"I was down here before the dancing finished, but um I seemed to have missed you." He said rather perplexed. She turned back to her glass and gave a wry grin.

"I was otherwise engaged." She turned to him still wearing the grin and he chuckled, blushing again perhaps realising now how what he said had sounded like. He recovered quickly though.

"I haven't even met the Commander to congratulate him." He chuckled again. "I hear he's not the only one in need of congratulations." His whiskers waved in the air excitedly and he looked expectantly at her. She raised her eyebrow as she stared back into her drink again.

"Take my word for it, Neelix, he's the only one in need of congratulations." She turned her face back up to him and tried to look passive with a hint of amusement on her face. Neelix only frowned in a hasty confusion. Suddenly he decided that maybe she was joking. He released a bubble of laughter and bounced in his seat.

"Now Captain, is that any way for tomorrows bride to be talking?" He chastised her teasingly. Her eyes dropped away from his gaze, embarrassed.

"No Neelix, I suppose it's not. But the case is - I don't have to worry about it anyway." Neelix really frowned now. Her utterly sad tone and dejected eyes tore at his full heart.

"But Captain, aren't you getting married tomorrow? Or did I hear wrong?" He asked tentatively, hoping he wouldn't cause her any more discomfort with his words than she already obviously felt. His hope was quashed when she grimaced into the whirlpool she had created in her drink.

"No I'm not and no you didn't." The first thing Neelix thought was that that didn't make sense. He frowned deeply, searching all his knowledge for a way to understand it. He noticed stirring out of the corner of his eye and he looked up to investigate.

All he found was the cold empty space that his Captain had just vacated abruptly. His frown deepened and he scowled at himself for something he knew nothing of.

* * *

"Kathryn! Kathryn!" Chakotay called as he saw her speed out of the bar area. She turned and spotted him and he ran to her as she waited.

"He heard us." He told her, panting from all the running he had done to find her.

"I know." She said solemnly as she turned and resumed her path again. Chakotay sucked in air to his hungry lungs as he frowned after her. Slowly he became aware she was getting further away each moment he waited.

"He was in the room." He informed her as he caught up again. She nodded silently as she swirled the liquor in her glass, watching it.

"You talked?" He enquired, curious as to her mood. She nodded again.

"I guess we did." She said distantly. Chakotay's forehead furrowed listening to her. They walked silently in a calm atmosphere for some time.

Kathryn was examining her glass when her attention fell upon her hand. She faltered in her steady stride. Chakotay noted it and looked to her.

"What is it?" He asked. She smiled at something and he followed her gaze to the ring on her finger.

"He never did ask for it back." She smiled again. He looked on in puzzlement until her words finally sunk in.

"He called off the wedding." He whispered. It might have been perceived as a question but both already knew the answer and didn't want to voice it.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn." For the first time she looked up and into his eyes. She stared at him for a long while and he could see in her eyes that her mind didn't echo the silence of her mouth. However, at times her eyes told him more than her words could ever hope to.

* * *

- Next chapter is almost ready! Hope you enjoyed ;) -


	9. Chapter 9

Sarah's mind reeled and her anger simmered as she read on through both sets of logs. She tried to stay focused on the whole body of each but it made her feel like yawning for the most part. Other times, when she read into something that wasn't in the least what she was looking for, she actually felt guilty for prying into it, for prying at all. She knew what she was doing was very wrong, but as she read, she found out more than she wanted to, more than she ever expected to and it was impossible to stop. She took a deep breath and began reading again.

*~I can't help but think she has ulterior motives. Why would she do this? I should, by all rational deduction, be in the brig and not in comfortable crew quarters. What the hell is she up to? I wish I knew. I also wish I knew why I unquestioningly take every word that passes her lips as gospel. I trust her already. She wears the mark of my enemy and yet I trust her more than some that fight on the same side as me. My first impression of her was painfully physical. I can't remember a woman having such an effect on me the first time I saw her. She blinked on my viewscreen in the midst of hell and all I could do for several seconds was stare at her. She is beauty shroud in danger. She's feisty too. That, however, I'm used to. But something tells me this one will outdo even Seska. Here's to my second impression.*~

*~ I can't begin to fathom the events that unraveled between the shuttle crash and my return to Voyager. It terrifies me to think that the afterlife holds nothing more than what the alien offered me, nothing more than his matrix. But it also terrifies me to think that perhaps that is all there is. From what I saw and from what I can surmise the paradisaical existence in eternity he promised wasn't altogether far from just that. Perhaps if I had gone I would have found my paradise. One with those I have loved and lost like my father. What disturbs me is that he lured me there to suit his own needs. I was not ready to die but I was weak, vulnerable and he preyed on that. I should take Chakotay's advice and not dwell on it; I have tossed it over in my mind enough in the past while. Perhaps another trip to Lake George will ease my mind. I wonder if he's free this evening.*~

Sarah shook herself she was reading more than she needed to yet again. She arched her eyebrow admitting that it was too compelling to do otherwise. She continued selecting logs from either at random and letting her eyes fall on random sections.

~ *~ My time here has been enlightening. I have come to this planet grudgingly but with no choice as my ship continues its journey to Earth. And I must remain here. It angers me so, that sometimes when I think too deeply about it, I end up shaking with hatred. I don't know if I ever will accept living here for the rest of my life but I won't rest as long as I have exhausted all possibilities of a cure for this plague that bounds us here. Speaking of `us', Chakotay seems to have accepted all this too easily. He's acting like he planned all this, that it was something he had been looking forward to. He's been overly kind and patient with my reluctance. Too kind almost. He told me a story tonight, a story of an angry warrior. It was a beautiful story and so very touching; I had to fight to quell my tears. It may have been a coward's way of telling me... telling me… what exactly? That he's in love with me? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that there is something growing between us that goes way beyond friendship. I felt it strongly tonight and I was unable to accept it. I may not be a Captain here, but I still can't shake the idea that my attraction to him is either too dangerous or inappropriate. It sounds silly I know and I can't help but think that it's not the strong attraction I feel for him that scares me but something entirely stronger.*~

*~...an alliance with the Borg! That's her latest stunt. Spirits she drives me crazy. She is uncharacteristically obstinate! More stubborn than a Klingon! We've all tried to steer her of it, she waved away all protests at the briefing where she told us of it. She conveniently forgot to inform me before she told everyone else. I knew there was trouble when she didn't run it by me at first, I just didn't know how much trouble. I stayed behind after the briefing, as she knew I would. I hadn't said a word during the whole meeting and as astute as she is, she noticed and she predicted I would approach her after - she was waiting for me - prepared for war. That's when it all went to hell. We've fought, oh we've had some blow ups, but this this was bad. I don't normally stand so firm against her, I voice my opinions but I will normally relent to her decision. This time I simply couldn't. She is blinded by her cause and I fear her blinkered idea is going to get us all killed. She argued but I didn't back down, I countered each comment she threw at me with an intense passion. In the end I still held firm to my opinion that she was making a fatal mistake and it took more strength out of me to walk past her as tears stole into her eyes than the fiercest of battles I have fought. She thinks she's alone now. I wish she knew how wrong she is.*~

Sarah paused startled by something. She drew her head up straight and another sound came from directly behind her. She whirled around in her seat to see Tom floating above her. Her eyes widened in horror.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he walked around her. She opened her mouth but choked on the words. He ignored her and his eyes drifted to the computer screen as she looked on in fear. Slowly he began to read.

*~Finally we are free of the Devore troops and the rules of their space. I have to say I was somewhat saddened that Kashyk betrayed us in the end. I had suspected it, but I guess there was that small hope right up until the end that had me wishing… There are many that will be happy to see the back of him, I was among the few, the very few that actually liked him. B'Elanna told me just today of her certain dislike of him. It was no secret that Chakotay didn't like him either. I think he knew more than he let on. What security ensigns only theorised about… he knew. *~

Tom's eyes grew wide and his jaw hung ajar as he realised what he was reading. Anger rose inside him. He turned on Sarah.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? How the hell did you get the Captain's logs?" He nearly shouted and she recoiled from it. Tom pushed past her and closed the link. "How did you get those?" He asked with resent. Despite her fear, she straightened her back to face him.

"She gave me access to Chakotay's personal logs I used her command code to get into hers when she left." Tom stared blankly at her. "You won't say anything will you?" She pleaded now. He blinked and looked at her, deciding.

"No. No, there's been enough drama tonight already." He told her, the wake of anger still in his voice. He sank into a chair behind him not believing what the Captain had done. "She shouldn't have been giving you access to Chakotay's logs in the first place." He said shaking his head.

"Don't blame her I twisted her arm, for want of a better phrase." She told him and he looked mildly surprised that she would defend the Captain. "She was only trying to help my marriage." She added. Tom leaned forward in his chair his interest now peaked.

"And did she?" He questioned softly. Sarah stared at him.

"No." Tom grimaced. Sarah inhaled and leaned into her chair. "Our marriage is beyond help." She sighed. "I guess I was looking for proof to convict them with." She looked up to Tom. "Something to justify the pain I am feeling, something to beat at." She flicked her eyebrows up at that.

"They truly never were together were they?" She asked her eyes shifting from the room with a sorrow Tom couldn't place. He shook his head. She craned her neck and let it fall backwards until it rested on the back support of the chair.

"I was convinced that what was between them was sparks from an old fling or something but it wasn't, was it?" She brought her eyes back to Tom. He didn't answer. "They were-" she shook her head, correcting "-are really in love with each other." Tom avoided her pained eyes. "Those logs only proved to show me just how much." She winced and rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. Slowly she began to rise from the seat. "Chakotay knows nothing of this and if you would, I'd like it to remain that way." She moved to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Tom couldn't help the urge to ask. She stopped and looked round to him.

"To see if I can't get a divorce a day after my wedding." The words would've shocked Tom or unsettled him had she not said them with a contented grin. He laughed to himself as she left.

* * *

"Sarah, what are you doing?" Chakotay stepped into their hotel room, trying to conceal the fact that Kathryn was standing just beyond him.

Sarah turned on one foot from her position at the end of the bed. His body was large and it dwarfed Kathryn's at the best of times and this time was no different. She could not see Kathryn but she knew she was there.

"I'm leaving." She answered and turned back to her packing. She heard him move closer.

"Sarah, don't do this. We can work this out." She ceased her packing altogether and spun around.

"If you're talking about our marriage, I've already worked it out." Her words held no hint of anger or disdain and for a second he thought that things were going to be okay. Then she turned away from him again.

"I want a divorce." Her reply was calm and collected and it rooted him to the spot. She winced at the silence that was impossible to ignore. "Or an annulment - whatever works." She lifted a top and threw it in her case. Then she heard soft, light footsteps approaching.

"Sarah." She sighed and retired from her packing as she slowly turned to see Kathryn standing before her.

"I did what you asked. Surely you must have your proof. There was never anything between Chakotay and I and there isn't now." She told her with a gentle compassion.

"I got proof, Kathryn, just not the kind I was looking for." She sighed again. She heard Chakotay clear his throat and she looked to him as his eyes returned confused from Kathryn.

"Sarah " He breathed and she closed her eyes at his troubled face. She was aware of Kathryn stepping closer.

"I don't want your hatred for me to ruin your marriage. Chakotay is my best friend, I wouldn't want that for him." Sarah watched as she valiantly fought to push her next words past her lips. "If you find what we have so threatening then I'm prepared to " She cast her eyes back at Chakotay who was now, very interested as to how she would finish. "I'm prepared to stay away from him." She sighed with relief as she finally got the words out. Chakotay's eyes shot wide open.

"Kathryn!" He protested and grabbed her by the shoulder. Sarah glanced back and forth between the two before her, who were locked in a charged communication of solely eyes. She bowed her head.

"This isn't about hatred." They broke from their stare and looked at her as she threw the last items of clothing into her case and clasped it shut. Hauling it off the bed she turned to them again. "It's about love." They both blinked, confused. Once again she sighed.

"Chakotay, you're a wonderful man, one that I'm happy to say I fell in love with and sad to admit, that never fell in love with me." He moved to protest but she silenced him with her hand.

Gazing at him she slowly turned to Kathryn. "I expect, under different circumstances, we could have been good friends. Who knows, maybe we still can." Kathryn frowned at her in confusion but she continued. "In the past hour I got to know you more intimately than most. You posses a remarkable character that is impossible to ignore, one either eventually hates you with passion or trusts and respects you beyond no bounds. I can see why he loves you." She smiled warmly at Kathryn and then at Chakotay before she pushed past them towards the door.

Kathryn glanced to Chakotay and he returned her gaze, both bewildered and standing aimlessly in the middle of the room.

"I expect an invitation to the wedding." Laughter floated in with the disembodied voice and as their eyes caught they blushed together, daring to wonder if the other was thinking the same as they were.

Perhaps there will be a wedding after all.

THE END :)


End file.
